Desperate! Please help regarding how to disarm control/narcissism people in my life.?

My spouse off 20 + years feels everything must be done his way or no way. This causes our family a great deal of stress. If we try to help him with a chore he yells at us for being dumb. If we do not offer to help, he yells at us for being lazy. Here is another example: He spilled coffee on himself and blamed me for filling his cup too full. When I spilled my coffee he said I was lackadaisical and not paying attention. When I got a flat tire he said I was stupid. When he got a flat tire he said the NAIL was stupid. What is behind this behavior? Is it just repressed hatred toward s me? THANK YOU!!!!!!